Since I have become involved with Sri Bhagavan’s Oneness Movement in 2004 I have come across many people who, like me, have already dedicated their life to a guru and now, having met Bhagavan and experienced Oneness Blessings, were torn with great inner conflict. “Who is my guru now?” and “am I doing the right thing by asking Bhagavan for enlightenment?” were the questions that I kept asking myself. The guilt and the feeling that I was needlessly looking elsewhere and disregarding my beloved guru, whom I have inwardly pledged my life to, was at times unbearable! Why did I need to go to another guru for enlightenment? Couldn’t my guru give it to me, and if not, was I living in a state of delusion all these years? Was Bhagavan another delusion? I loved Ammachi very much. There were times when all I had to do was think about her and instantly her sweet fragrance was all around me, my heart would overflow with love and tears of gratitude stream down my face.

But if my story is to be of benefit, I feel it important to go back a few years and share with you how it all began.

The year was 1991. I was 28 years old and working for a computing company in the capacity of systems analyst and trainer. I was living a normal life full of worry, self-doubt, unfulfilled desires, working to survive, spending to feel good, looking for the perfect man, wondering what was wrong with me, trying to work out where my life was headed, wondering why I was so useless at everything, etc., etc., etc. Somewhere along the line I had become lost and couldn’t find my way back. And the thought that kept going through my mind was “there must be more to life than this!” It was at this point that I became seriously interested in spirituality.

I began by reading many spiritually oriented books, attending talks, learning about meditation and participating in intensive personal development workshops. A couple of years later my life was completely falling apart. I was having frequent dreams of earthquakes, tidal waves and strong winds. My life became meaningless and going to work extremely difficult. Eventually I realised that I could no longer go on living the way I was. I had to make drastic changes in order to survive the internal crisis I was experiencing.

In 1995 I decided to quit the IT industry to do something different. Everyone protested, including me! I almost had a nervous breakdown from fear and panic attacks because I had no idea what this ‘something different’ was. I had very little money saved so how was I going to support myself? It all seemed very hopeless. At one point I felt like I was literally dying.

Three months later I was giving people drum healings. I had never drummed before or even played any instruments. The way spirit works is a complete mystery to me. In between the nervous breakdown, I began having visions and dreams of my next steps in life. I chose to listen to the voice within and in a short time I was working in an area that I didn’t even know existed. My life became completely guided by spirit. My healings were proving to be very powerful and soon I was very busy. Within a year I was giving talks and running workshops on vibrational healing in Adelaide and around Australia. I was doing ‘something different’ and enjoying it very much. Four months before I didn’t even know that I had healing abilities. It wasn’t an area that I ever considered.

One evening I was relaxing with my friend Simon and we decided to meditate. We didn’t discuss before hand any aspects of our meditation. I quickly went into a deep state and saw this very bright pillar of white light descending. I stepped into this light and was transported into a large room. It looked like a conference room with a long table and high back elaborate chairs. I saw twelve beings in flowing long white gowns. One-by-one they greeted me in a very warm and loving way. I felt like I knew them on some level, yet at that time I couldn’t quite place them. These beings appeared so happy to see me that they even organised a party for me. We chatted, laughed, ate and drank. It felt like a wonderful reunion. A short while later one of the beings approached me in a formal manner and I was guided in some type of a ceremony. I was placed in the centre of the circle formed by these beings and honoured in some way. At the conclusion of the ceremony they gave me a new name – MAYA. The ceremony was now completed, the beings hugged me goodbye and I was transported back to my living room.

I came out of the meditation in a state of gratitude and joy. I was so surprised and happy to receive a spiritual name. Up to this point I had not thought about spiritual names, but I very much liked the sound of Maya. My birth name is Božana Voynovich, a typical Yugoslavian name. Božana is similar to the name Christine, linked with Christ.

Soon Simon was out of his meditation as well. I excitedly told him what had happened in my meditation and he just looked at me with a serious and very surprised expression on his face. Apparently he saw EXACTLY the same thing I did. He was not partaking in the experience like I was, but was there as an observer. He confirmed that they indeed gave me the name MAYA and that they were The Council of Twelve. I was overwhelmed. I had read about them and couldn’t imagine them taking any interest in me, let alone welcoming me and giving me a name! We must have gone on some fanciful trip together. Maybe there was something in that cup of tea we just had.

In the following weeks I thought often about that meditation. I was very happy to have a spiritual name but I didn’t know what to do with it, so I did nothing. I mentioned it to a couple of friends but mostly I kept it to myself.

Three weeks after that meditation a regular client of mine rang and asked if I had some time to do a healing on her husband. I was very surprised at her request because Paul is a no nonsense type of man who does not believe in any of this spiritual stuff. At that time he was a respected businessman working for a high profile accounting firm. He was very careful about his image and reputation. I had only met him once previously. Was she making him come? This was going to be interesting. She reassured me that it was his idea because he was going through a difficult time and felt I might be able to help him. We arranged a time for that afternoon.

Paul arrived on time and alone. He briefly related his problem to me after which we got straight into the healing. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed and I was sitting at his side with my hands above his body. All of a sudden I felt the presence of God enter the room and come into me. It was a very overwhelming experience that I have not had before. I could clearly feel God inside my body; I could also see His image overshadowing me. I saw His hands over my hands giving Paul a healing. I thought how blessed Paul must be to receive a healing directly from God. Then I heard a clear, strong voice within me. The voice said, “We did not give you the name Maya for your amusement. It is now time for you to use it.” I was shocked. Then my mind kicked in and convinced me that I had imagined it all. Trusting my mind I once again focused on the healing that was taking place and tried to compose myself. I looked at Paul, he was now trembling and beads of sweat were forming on his brow. Suddenly he sat up in total panic and confusion and said “God is here”. I went white.

Paul was a new man after this healing session and took much more interest in spiritual things. A year later he quit his accounting job and was giving talks and running workshops with his wife. As for me, two weeks later I legally changed my name to Maya (no surname) and asked everybody to call me that from now on. Whoever heard my new name said that they loved it and that it really suited me. It took a while for my family to get used to it though.

In 1996 I moved in with my best friend Jennifer.

All was going well, but something was still missing in my life.

In early 1997, I met a young man by the name of Greg. We were talking about sacred art, and sharing our visions when, in the midst of our conversion he started telling me about this amazing woman called Ammachi. She was coming to Australia to run some public programs and retreats. He said that Ammachi was an Indian saint from Kerala. Through her hugs she blesses people and raises their consciousness. The cosmos flows through her heart. I was very interested in knowing more about her. Greg said that she is running a 3-day residential retreat in Melbourne in a few weeks time. I immediately decided to go. I didn’t know anything about India or gurus.

A short time later I was on a bus headed for Melbourne. The retreat was held in Somers, a beautiful little town on the beach. Upon arrival I was warmly welcomed by one of Ammachi’s many helpers and given a nametag, my dormitory number, program schedule, and my allocated seva (selfless service). There were just over 500 participants. Most participants wore all white clothing as soon as they got there and sang strange repetitive songs at every opportunity. I quickly learned to chant these sacred mantras as well and particularly enjoyed “Om Namaha Shivaya” which I found very soothing.

But I have to say that in the beginning this was all too much for me. On the first day, I just wanted to get out of there. I felt completely alone in an environment that I had never encountered before. I didn’t even know anybody when I first got there. I didn’t particularly like Indian food, have never witnessed the washing of the guru’s feet, sang bhajans (devotional songs), prostrated to another person, chanted, or experienced devotion. My mind was not coping with this. I decided to just go with the flow and wait for it all to be over. That evening I had my first ever darshan hug by a saint. I didn’t feel the cosmos in her heart. I didn’t feel anything. No, that’s not true; Ammachi squeezed me so hard that I thought she would break my neck!

The next day was no better. But at least it was closer to my departure time. I was already packed! I chose to just go with the flow again. I went for all of Ammachi’s darshans, managed to eat most of my meals, sat impatiently through those awful bhajans, and tried to understand how people could be so devoted. But, by the end of the evening it was all still beyond me. Never mind, tomorrow is my last day. I was glad to get to bed.

Did I already say that the workings of spirit are a complete mystery to me? I do not remember a single event that could have possibly contributed even in the smallest of ways to my change of heart, but there you have it. I woke up on the last day of the retreat experiencing immense sadness, bordering on grief, because Ammachi would soon be leaving. All of a sudden I felt so much love and devotion towards her and her swamis (monks) that all I wanted to do was follow her around the world, sit by her feet and listen to those beautiful bhajans. I did not care about anything else.

That day, for the first time in my life, I experienced the burning pain of separation; even being in a different room to Ammachi was painful. I couldn’t wait to see Ammachi now. I was the first in line, chanting her sweet name and hoping for even the slightest touch of her beloved form as she walked past. How lucky were those chosen few that were so blessed to wash Ammachi’s holy feet, and carry her holy slippers! I was standing with the swamis at the entrance, wanting to get as close as possible to Ammachi as she was officially welcomed into the hall, hoping to catch even a single rose petal as she lovingly showered us with them. What surprised me the most was that I didn’t feel like my new behaviour was odd instead it felt completely natural.

That evening during Devi Bhava, I received my last darshan for the year. Ammachi hugged me so tight and for such a long time, whispering “my daughter, my daughter, my daughter…” over and over in my ear. I became intoxicated by her voice and exquisite fragrance. Waves of love pulsated through me and my heart opened so wide that it disappeared and all I could see was the cosmos. That same evening Ammachi initiated me with a mantra.

In the 1998 retreat Ammachi gave me a spiritual name – Soumya. Secretly I was very happy to receive a ‘proper’ spiritual name as I still had doubts about ‘Maya’. Somewhere within me I still felt like I had made the whole thing up, I was fooling myself and everybody else by claiming that ‘Maya’ was a name that was given to me. After all, Maya meant illusion. Maybe spirit was really saying to me that I was living in a state of illusion.

Interestingly, many times I thought about changing my name legally from ‘Maya’ to ‘Soumya’, but somehow it never happened. Consequently, my work associates called me Maya, in spiritual circles I was called Soumya and my family still called me Božana.

Two years later I was given the amazing blessing of performing Araati in front of Ammachi, and when Ammachi came to Adelaide as part of her 2002 Australian tour I was graced yet again with the task of washing her holy feet as she entered the Norwood Town Hall for her first public program.

In 2001 I had an interesting dream. At the time I had no idea what it meant, but it made a huge impact on me. I dreamt that I was attending a spiritual retreat with about two hundred other people. This retreat was held in some sort of army type camp and was very disciplined and structured. It was night and we were all in our bunk beds sleeping. All of a sudden someone in charge came into our dormitory and started waking us all up. I looked at the clock and it was quarter to midnight. That person informed us that we had to quickly get dressed and go down into the meeting hall because the Big Boss was coming and he had some very important things to tell us. Next we were listening to this highest-ranking person - the Boss. He said that we have run out of time. He would have preferred that we received further training, but under the current circumstances there is no more time and we have learned enough to do the required work. I looked at the clock again and it was a few minutes to midnight. This highest-ranking person said that our sole duty in life from now on was to go out into the world and fill it with God’s light. All we had to do was go to different places, especially where there was darkness, then call on God’s name and there would be light. He said for us to never be afraid as we are always protected and nothing and nobody can harm us. If we ever got frightened just call God’s name and He would be there. This person then suggested that we go in small groups or in pairs and work that way. Next Jennifer and I were walking in this dark place like a city. We climbed down into an alleyway where a group of rough looking youths were hanging out. We were a bit scared but we called God and instantly the whole area was filled with light. That was the end of the dream.

In January 2002 Raniji came to Adelaide, Australia for the first time to run a one-day workshop. I participated with 83 others. Raniji was a Lay monk working as Bhagavan’s western representative. Although she was Indian she spent much of her life living and working in America, so she understood perfectly the western mind. She introduced to us Bhagavan and Amma and their plan to enlighten humanity. I wasn’t really paying much attention to what she was saying because I had ‘my Ammachi’ and SHE would decide when the time was right for me to be enlightened. I didn’t particularly take to Raniji on our first meeting, I kept comparing her to my Ammachi, and she just didn’t measure up in my mind.

I didn’t connect my dream with Bhagavan, enlightenment or the workshop in any way.

In August 2003 there was a follow-on 2-day residential retreat, facilitated this time by a couple from New Zealand. All my friends decided to go but I refused. I had my Ammachi, which was enough for me.

A 7-day residential retreat was now being planned for November. I was asked many times by my friends to come, they were all going. Even though I had not done the pre-requisite 2-day workshop the organisers were prepared to overlook this because of my strong spiritual background. I still said no. Two weeks before the retreat at least four different friends rang me on the same day and tried to talk me into going. No, no, no, no! Eight days to go and now every day someone was ringing me and suggesting that I really should go. I was getting really annoyed. I had Ammachi, she was responsible for my enlightenment and I trusted that she would do it. In fact, I had no doubt about it. Why would I spend $900 on something that Ammachi was working on anyway? Five days to go and my very dear friend Chinmayan rang and pleaded with me to go. He said to do it for my friends; they all wanted me there, they wanted me to share in their experiences. I felt the love in his voice and decided it would be easier to go to this retreat then keep resisting. I finally said “yes!”

Raniji and a young monk by the name of Uttama facilitated the 7-day retreat in November 2003. I fell in love with Raniji; she was just like my Ammachi. Even her face looked like Ammachi’s. I was in heaven. The retreat was awesome. Every day I fell into deeper states. I experienced such profound States of consciousness, heights I had never imagined. The teachings that Raniji gave were so clear and simple, yet very powerful. For the first time I understood many things, including the nature and limitations of the mind. I now firmly believed that Bhagavan and his Amma were the real thing and that indeed they were quite capable of enlightening all of humanity. All of a sudden I wanted to be a part of this. I still did not make the connection between Bhagavan and my dream, but now I was ready to go to India!

After the 7-day retreat I was planning my trip to India and dreaming about living in a state of oneness. I just couldn’t wait to receive the enlightenment Oneness Blessing from Bhagavan. But, even though I was feeling this excitement about being enlightened I still didn’t feel much of a personal connection with Bhagavan. My heart and soul belonged to my Ammachi.

On Wednesday 7 January 2004 a miracle occurred. In the early afternoon my dear friend Chinmayan called. We chatted for a while about India and enlightenment when he asked me how I was feeling. I told him that I was very excited about going to India and receiving Oneness Blessing but I really didn’t feel any connection to Bhagavan at this stage since I have had no personal experiences of him. Half an hour later my friend Lisa rang. She was getting ready to leave for India in just over a week’s time to do the 21-day process and was very excited. As we chatted I also told her about not feeling connected with Bhagavan. Lisa felt a very strong connection with Bhagavan since her personal meeting with him the previous year.

That evening I was getting ready to go to Chinmayan’s meditation circle when I noticed a large, fresh and deeply embedded footprint in the centre of my prayer blanket. The rest of the blanket remained completely smooth. At first I thought that it must be my footprint because I meditate mostly in bear feet, but when I held my foot above this footprint it was clearly much larger than mine. As no one else was in my room for the last few days I wondered how it got there, especially being so freshly made. I then remembered hearing stories of how Bhagavan would leave footprints at peoples’ homes to show them that he was around.

Now I had a direct and personal experience of Bhagavan. But my mind would not let me believe it. Jennifer took a digital photo of the footprint and then printed it off. We took this print to Chinmayan’s circle. Without telling anybody anything, I just handed the picture around to see if anyone would feel anything. Most people said that they felt very strong energy emanating from the photo, but when Lisa saw it, her eyes filled with tears as she immediately recognised it as Bhagavan’s energy. I was still not convinced. Maybe I really created that footprint and somehow made it bigger.

Two weeks later Lisa took the photo to Golden City, India, where it was confirmed to be the footprint of Bhagavan. I finally believed. The footprint was embedded and visible on my prayer blanket for the next three days.

On 28 February 2004 Jennifer and I were sitting in the Adelaide airport waiting to board our plane that would take us to Singapore and then Chennai. This would be our first trip to India.

The 5-day retreat started on March 1st 2004.

The dasajis (monks) gave talks, led us through various meditations and processes, performed fire ceremonies for clearing our karma and removing obstacles, chanted sacred mantras and sang bhajans. They did all they could to prepare us for the upcoming Oneness Blessing. Many talks were focussed on the collective mind, our concepts of enlightenment, the biological process of enlightenment and Bhagavan’s mission.

On Friday, 5 March 2004 Jennifer and I received our first ever enlightenment Oneness Blessing.

We each received Oneness Blessings from five different dasajis. The energy was so powerful that most people went very quickly into higher states of consciousness whilst their body just collapsed in a heap. Some had to be carried to their mats. I was one of them.

At some stage after the Oneness Blessings, I was lying on my mat and looking around, I felt so much love. Everything I looked at I felt a love for. I even felt tremendous love for my yoga mat that I was lying on and I was so glad that this beautiful mat allowed me to lay on it.

The next day I was able to observe my state of consciousness with greater clarity. It felt like I was finally on the right side of the fence. I felt very, very content with life and a great love for everything. I knew with all certainty that God was “right here” because I could feel God’s presence very strongly, much more so than ever before in my life. I felt peaceful and untroubled. It didn’t matter to me where I sat, if I would eat that day or not, or even if I participated in some activity or not. All was OK. I felt so connected with God and trusted that God was completely guiding my life. So what was there to worry about?

I came back to Australia and resumed my normal life. Not really, that was impossible! It was such a strange thing because I felt like ‘nothing has changed, yet everything was different.’ I felt like the same old me yet I have found that in my daily life and work I did not react to situations like I used to. Instead I felt a deep calm and acceptance regarding life. I felt God’s presence with me every moment. I also had a sense that God was experiencing life through me. I must say that this was quite an extraordinary feeling, like nothing that I had ever experienced before. I still felt separate from God, yet at the same time, completely loved and protected. There was a deep knowing within me that all that happened was for a reason. I had complete trust and faith, and finally let go of the need to understand or control my life. I had finally come to the realisation that it was only ever God who was and is in control. It only took me 42 years to realise this, so I guess I am lucky.

I was in this beautiful state for three months, before it began to fade.

In the first week of April Ammachi was scheduled to do her 2004 Australian tour. I decided to do the whole tour this year, three cities and three retreats, including all the public programs.

A huge problem manifested. Who is my guru now?

I still believed Ammachi was my guru, but Bhagavan had such a strong hold on me and I had experienced the transformative power of Oneness Blessing. I knew beyond doubt that the Oneness Blessings had the ability to bring on the state of enlightenment.

I decided that I would spend this time with Ammachi with the intention that Ammachi will let me know the answer to this critical question.

During the Sydney retreat I mentally prayed to Ammachi to grant me a direct experience of her true nature thus letting me know one way or another if she was still my guru.

Ammachi answered my prayers the following day during Devi Bhava. Swamiji was chanting the 108 names of Devi and Ammachi was leading the response by chanting “Om Parashaktiyai Namaha”. I always loved this part of the puja. As we were chanting, I was responding and listening to Ammachi’s voice. I was seated only a few rows from the front and could see Ammachi clearly. After each response my energy field intensified. I looked inward and saw that I was filled with immense white light.

About half way into the chanting the vibration of Ammachi’s voice changed. It became louder and more prominent. Now I was aware of only her voice coming through the speakers. All of a sudden the sound vibration entered my body. Her voice was coming from within me. Ammachi was now in my body! It was so sudden, unexpected and incredible that I started to cry. Ammachi was now within me, in every cell of my body, inside my heart. As the chanting continued and the rhythm got faster, Amma’s voice within became even more powerful.

I have had experiences before where a divine being enters my body temporarily but although I cannot explain how, this felt completely different. I could see and feel Ammachi fully inside of me. I could feel her consciousness aware of my every breath, aware of my every thought. I was fully aware of Ammachi and she was fully aware of me. It was like two separate beings occupying the same space. I opened my eyes and looked at Ammachi sitting on the stage, but her presence within was stronger, more real. I was overwhelmed with gratitude, love and humility.

When I was in a slightly more functional state with some help I managed to get up and walk to my room where I collapsed on the bed. Ammachi came with me. It frightened me to think that from now on Ammachi would be aware of my every move, every thought, every feeling, because whatever I did Ammachi would also be doing and experiencing. After a while I checked where Bhagavan was and found him still by my side. I was in this intense state for about a week.

Finally I had my answer. Ammachi was my guru and Bhagavan was there to help me with my enlightenment. All clear. No more guru conflict.

I was now content with knowing that Ammachi was and would always be my guru. Since that fateful day in Sydney I developed a habit of looking into my heart on a regular basis to see what Ammachi was up to. Usually I would see Ammachi’s beautiful and smiling face lovingly look back at me, this would open my heart just that little bit more, and waves of such joy would fill my whole my body.

With this ‘knowing’ I happily went to receive further enlightenment Oneness Blessings from Lisa and Pasquo who were running their first One Day Enlightenment Retreat at St. Paul’s Monastery on Saturday 19 June 2004.

In the very early hours of that Saturday I had this disturbing dream. I was inside a multi-storey building with lots of other people. We seemed to be on the middle floor. There was a great deal of white light in this building and it had a very spiritual feel to it. My mother had to go to another floor to do something. After some time people began to worry as she hadn’t returned yet. I personally wasn’t worried at this stage because this has happened before. The place was so huge and sometimes she just got lost. As I was sitting in a chair with a group of others, a woman came up to me extremely concerned that my mother hadn’t come back yet and that maybe I should go out and look for her. As she was so upset I thought that I had better go and find my mother. I began searching for her one floor at a time, but after searching the whole building I still couldn’t find her. I then came across someone who said that my mother had died. I immediately knew this to be true. I was quickly overcome with such grief like I have never experienced before. I cried from a very deep place within. I woke up feeling very out of sorts and not too sure what to make of this strange dream.

I got out of bed and readied myself for the retreat, the dream still prominent in my mind.

Once I got to the retreat and things got under way I was feeling much better. Half way through the morning session I even forgot about my dream. Lisa and Pasquo were giving a captivating talk about Amma, Bhagavan and enlightenment and would soon be giving the Oneness Blessings. That’s really what I came here for and I could hardly wait. I looked inside my heart and saw Ammachi sitting quietly in a chair with her eyes closed. She appeared to be in a deep state of meditation.

During the first Oneness Blessing of the day, I suddenly felt a very strong connection with Bhagavan, and experienced a great deal of energy going through my body. During my second Oneness Blessing a few hours later I had this interesting vision. I saw Bhagavan inside my heart. He looked so happy and pleased with himself and was whistling some jolly tune. Bhagavan was opening the windows in my heart and all these white doves flew out. A couple of doves didn’t want to go so Bhagavan chased them off. As I was looking at this scene I suddenly realised that Ammachi was no longer in my heart, Bhagavan was! I don’t know how this change took place or exactly when but I was shocked and very upset. How dare Bhagavan do this! I didn’t ask Ammachi to leave my heart and I certainly didn’t invite Bhagavan in! I couldn’t work out what had happened to my beloved Ammachi, did Bhagavan toss her out of the window? I became very emotional as I realised what my dream meant. My mother was no longer in my heart, now my father was.

Over the next couple of weeks I was experiencing huge emotional swings. Bhagavan was still in my heart and I was still very angry with him. But know I found other things to be angry with him about as well. Since the retreat I had this overwhelming desire to become a Oneness Blessing giver. All I could think of was going to India and doing the 21-day program. This thought and strong desire was with me 24 hours a day. I was even dreaming about it. But the reality was that I had no money saved and I needed ten thousand dollars to be able to go. I knew that Bhagavan had planted this desire within me so I prayed to him constantly to send me the money. I was hoping that he might just manifest that amount somehow into my bank account. That didn’t happen, nor did anyone approach me and say, “can I give you $10,000?” At this stage, the only way that I would go to India and do that course was to take a loan from the bank. This made me the angriest with Bhagavan that I have been so far. One day I stood in front of him and Amma and I just yelled at him. With tears streaming down my face I was telling him off for every little thing that has ever happened in my life. Many times I poked his picture crying, “It’s all your fault!”

Three days later, with infinite love and compassion, Bhagavan blessed me with another miracle.

Jennifer and I decided to go out for lunch followed by a walk along the beach. The weather was very stormy earlier that morning, with a great deal of rain, hail and wind, but now was better. After our meal we went for a walk on the jetty. We couldn’t walk on the sand, as the tide was high. None the less it turned out to be such a beautiful day and we both felt unusually happy. The sun was shining brightly, the storm clouds had disappeared, and the choppy waves were creating this white foam that blew all over the beach, sparkling like fresh powdered snow. The whole scene looked so beautiful and had a magical quality about it. I was filled with such joy and wonder.

As we walked half way up the jetty Jennifer nudged me and asked if I saw the man that just walked passed us. I was busy thinking about Bhagavan and had my head down so I didn’t. Jennifer said that this man looked exactly like Bhagavan. When Jennifer told me this I snapped to attention and looked at this man. He turned at that moment, looked at us and smiled. His physical appearance was just like Bhagavan’s. Even his smile was the same. At that moment I felt waves of love flow through me and I knew it was Bhagavan. He was wearing light brown corduroy pants, a khaki coloured windproof jacket, and a black beanie. He had a large white and red umbrella tucked under his arm, and was looking at some young lads who were jumping off the Jetty with their surfboards and trying to catch a wave. Jennifer and I stood a short distance away, too scared to go any closer. Our minds had mysteriously stopped working and we couldn’t even think properly. We were just filled with awe and love. We couldn’t take our eyes off him. We were lost as to what to do.

After about 15 or 20 minutes we decided to leave Bhagavan, who was still watching the young surfers, and go home. We remained speechless for quite a few hours after that and overwhelmed for another two days. Bhagavan loved us so much that he physically manifested for us. By the third day, we were returning to normality. But now everything was different.

I was no longer angry with Bhagavan about anything. Now just thinking about him caused waves of love and joy to flow through my heart. I decided that he could stay in there forever. The next day I went to the bank and arranged for a $10,000 loan. I was overjoyed when it was approved because now I was on my way to Bhagavan.

But, as things tend to go, a month later I was once again experiencing a great conflict of loyalties. I now loved Bhagavan very much and was very happy that he was in my heart but I felt confused and unsettled as to what really happened to my Ammachi. She just disappeared. Did I abandon her? Did Bhagavan somehow push her away? Did I make a mistake? All these feelings were compounded due to a lack of proper resolution or closure in regards to my relationship with Ammachi. I was praying that my trip to India next month would bring about the proper closure I desperately needed.

On Sunday 29th August 2004 I was once again sitting in the Adelaide airport waiting to board my flight headed for India. This time I was going on my own.

A funny little miracle occurred two days into my trip. I was in Chennai dining with Patrick from Brisbane Australia who was also doing the course. We were chatting about Bhagavan and the 21-day retreat happening in a couple days time. Patrick was eating a lovely dish that had paneer cheese in it. He offered me a taste, placing two pieces on my bread plate. One moment there were two pieces of paneer on my plate the next there was only one! Patrick and I could not believe it. We both looked at the plate in total amazement. Only the cream sauce was left as a reminder to where the cheese had been. When we got to Golden City, I mentioned this to one of the dasajis. She laughed so much and finally said that Bhagavan does this all the time, he likes to play tricks on people.

The 21-day retreat proved to be truly amazing. It was more than I had hoped for. Every day I learned something more about myself and was taken to deeper states of consciousness. Every day parts of my old conditioning melted away. At times the process was so painful it felt like death and rebirth. Finally I was beginning to experience life and living in a totally different way. Unfortunately, the one thing that remained with me still, and even seemed to magnify, was my guru conflict.

Towards the end of our retreat we were given an opportunity to meet privately (in small groups of six) with Bhagavan and ask a few personal questions. I decided to confront Bhagavan with my problem since he was a major part of it.

Sitting with Bhagavan in a small room with only a hand full of people is truly a blessing from God. Being able to freely interact with him in an intimate way is beyond words. I have sat with other masters over the years but sitting only a foot away from Bhagavan for over an hour and a half, chatting, laughing and sometimes crying was the pinnacle of my life. The experience was so profound for me that even now I cannot capture it in writing.

Bhagavan was so welcoming and friendly that it made it very easy for us to speak from our hearts. Everyone in the little group shared openly with him. The questions asked were very private and important for that person who was asking. When it was my turn to speak, I related my story to Bhagavan about how Ammachi was originally in my heart, then about my vision of him now in my heart and Ammachi gone. When I asked Bhagavan if he pushed Ammachi out of the window, he laughed and laughed. Bhagavan said that he knows Ammachi and she herself has sent people, even her own close disciples, to him to be enlightened. He said that Sai Baba has done the same thing. He described my time with Ammachi as being on Ammachi’s train. She was the train taking me to where I needed to go but now that train has stopped at the station and another train (Bhagavan) has come to take me the rest of the way. He said that as long as I hang onto his feet I would be fine. Bhagavan then said that my time with Ammachi is completed and now I belong to him.

As Bhagavan was explaining this to me my conflict began to crumble. I then noticed that each word Bhagavan uttered became reality as he was speaking. By the end of Bhagavan’s explanation it had completed disappeared, never to return.

While the going was good I took the opportunity of asking Bhagavan about my name. I registered for the 21-day retreat as Soumya and was introduced on a number on occasions to Bhagavan as such. I asked Bhagavan what name would be the most appropriate for me to use from now on. I explained that my birth name was Božana, Ammachi gave me the name Soumya and that I received Maya in a deep meditation. To everyone’s surprise Bhagavan went into a deep inner state (he hadn’t done this for any of the other questions) for about two minutes. When he returned he said that Maya would be the best. In that moment I finally believed that The Council of Twelve and God really gave me that name.

As I mentioned earlier, I have sat with other masters in the past, including Ammachi and have also had the opportunity of asking personal questions, but I have never experienced the resolution of my problems as I was relating them to the master. I have only experienced this phenomenon with Bhagavan. As our small group was getting up to very reluctantly leave Bhagavan’s presence, I noticed that I was filled to overflowing with loving energy. I became like a blind drunk. The six of us managed to stumble outside and down the few steps but could go no further. So we stood in front of Bhagavan’s house is a small circle and embraced each other. After a short time we let go and just looked at each other, we were incapable of speaking. Not knowing what to do, we embraced each other again. After about the sixth time of embracing and letting go some of the group managed to speak. Suddenly like a burst dam we couldn’t stop talking. We recalled everything that Bhagavan had said to us and marvelled how at the same time our problems just disappeared. We remained in front of Bhagavan’s home for three hours before managing to walk away. Bhagavan was like a magnet, his hold on us so strong.

That night I was still so full of energy that I couldn’t sleep. At three in the morning I decided to go for a walk around the gardens. To my surprise most of the participants (those that had an interview with Bhagavan that day) were also walking around. Many of these participants were still in an altered state.

The next day I tearfully left Bhagavan and headed back home to Australia. I will never forget this trip and my precious time with Sri Bhagavan.

During my flight home it finally dawned on me what my dream meant that I had all those years ago. I, along with my friend Jennifer, would indeed be bringing light to all the dark places of the world through Oneness Blessings, thanks to my love and my Lord Bhagavan.