About my Transformation
by Poornima
Chapter 1
Life before the discovery of
Amma & Bhagavan
I’m going to write about
how my life prepared me right
from my childhood towards attaining
enlightenment, God-realisation
and Oneness state. I still cannot
believe that this has finally
happened to me. The dream that
I had right from my childhood
ever since I remember my existence,
has finally become true. I have
been searching for God, The
Creator, Meaning of the Life
and an ending to my suffering,
loneliness, boredom, frustration
even when I was a child. I always
wanted to be happy, peaceful
and full of love, but I couldn’t
resist seeing my inner suffering.
I wanted to be a good girl and
make my parents happy. I was
struggling to be someone other
than me and I never loved myself
fully. I hated my negative qualities
and did not want them to exist
in me. I wanted to be pure and
perfect. I was born as a seeker
and many times I have cried
to my friend God within me,
to end my loneliness and separation.
Without anyone’s knowledge
I would cry lying on the bed
and ask God to help me be free
of this loneliness. Right from
my childhood days I have had
a very friendly relationship
with One God in a male form
(Hindu God Ganesh), and I always
felt there was someone called
Amma (Mother) inside me and
I would talk to this Amma about
my problems, inner feelings
and felt it was my conscious.
I was brought up in a very
orthodox religious Hindu family.
Both my parents were working
and so I spent with my grandmother
most of the time until I was
8 years. My grandmother was
such a loving, caring, affectionate
woman and very religious, extremely
devoted to God and an extremely
kind natured person. She was
patient like anything and would
experience her physical suffering
too without any complaints.
She has narrated lots of stories
from Hindu scriptures like Ramayana,
Mahabharath and about all avatars
so far taken by Mahavishnu.
My favorite story was Prahlad,
who was an extremely devoted
child and just by chanting God’s
name survived from the hands
of his Demon dad. He when questioned
where is God, said, He is everywhere,
even in the pillar or rock.
That truth stuck inside me and
I cannot forget his unshakable
faith towards God. Every day
while feeding, while putting
me to bed, I would ask her to
tell these stories. I wished
at that age, whether any such
great avatar would come while
I’m living. She told me
if the people get very bad and
adharma increases, God would
again manifest to bring peace
in earth. They are the first
imprints of my childhood. My
grandmother’s sudden death
was a great shock for me and
I felt love was snatched from
my life. I cried like anything
and became angry with God for
separating me from my grandmother.
No one was able to console me,
nor did any words heal me. My
loneliness in life started after
she left me. My mom continued
to give me that comfort my grandmom
gave me and continued telling
me all the stories. She also
gave me all that love, but still
I was never satisfied with her
love. She could not give me
full attention as she had lots
of problems in her life and
she tried her best to take care
of me in spite of all that.
I was a good friend for her
listening to her problems always
and would weep inside seeing
her suffering.
Since she herself was posed
with lots of challenges in life,
she could not give me or my
brother much attention. She
didn’t have time to listen
to our problems or worries.
Since she was suffering internally,
she could not make us happy.
But the child in me was hurt,
longing for love, care, happiness,
attention always. My dad was
always on tour and never had
time to spend with us fully.
He was interested in his career
and faced lot of problems in
his business and had little
time to take care of the family.
He was just a visitor for me
for many days until he started
staying with us when I was about
14 years. He is also a very
good friend for me, I don’t
have any fear relating to him
or my mom.
My brother just a year and
a half elder to me, is a very
special gift in my life today.
He was very dominant, aggressive
and rude towards me in my childhood
days. He never would share anything
very easily to me. I had to
struggle very hard to get my
things done. I had decided that
my life is hard at that age
itself. He drew all attention
from my parents and they did
not have time to worry about
me. I became responsible and
would take care of myself and
never wanted to give any trouble
to my mom like my brother, except
for some minor things like food.
My brother became my best loving
friend when I finished my high
school and went to a residential
college. He missed me very much
and then we became very close
friends caring for each other
and sharing our happiness and
problems. Our deepest wish from
childhood was to make our parents
happy.
I was a very reserved girl
in my school days and would
always feel lonely amidst a
big crowd also. This loneliness
has been my companion since
my young age. I had just one
close friend from my childhood.
I got good close friends during
my high school and my college
days who still continue to be
my good friends. I had enjoyed
many days with my friends, but
many days I felt lonely and
cried for true love. I was happy
when I was in their company,
but I missed them when I was
alone. This separation was painful
for me. I wanted to be in love
and happiness permanently. I
was not happy with these temporary
states. My heart was never filled
with the amount of love I expected,
even though I received it in
many relations. I always had
a feeling strongly that no one
loves me unconditionally, neither
could I love anyone unconditionally.
I remember one mystical experience
that I had when I was young
like 11 year old. We had a fire
ritual, Ganapathi homam, at
our home and during the homam,
I suddenly noticed Lord Ganesha
forming in the homam with the
particles used in the homam,
while the priest was performing.
I got shocked to see it with
my own eyes and after that Lord
Ganesha became my close dear
friendly God. I was never religious,
but always I was longing to
discover God and true love.
I had discussed many days with
my roommates during 1993 –
96, about One God, how He created
universe, whether God existed,
what would be the Absolute Truth
and meaning in Life. I always
felt strongly that there would
be only One Supreme God. I was
confused at one point whether
God existed or it was a myth.
But still I loved my inner friend
God and that Amma to whom I
was relating every day. It was
the new year of 1996 and we
had a big party with lots of
kids and elders. Everyone had
fun, but I could not mix with
anyone. I cried without anyone’s
knowledge lying on the bed and
wept to my inner God and said
I cant bear this loneliness
anymore. I felt separated from
everyone and could never enjoy
with them. I was longing for
love.
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Chapter 2
Preparation for enlightenment
by Amma & Bhagavan
Finally God decided to hear
my prayers and I was shown a
new master in my life when I
was 20 years old and suffering
spiritually even without knowing
I was a seeker. My father had
somehow heard about Sri Bhagavan
and that He is a Higher Consciousness
(an avatar) and has descended
on earth to help humanity be
free from suffering. He had
kept His Srimurthi (photo) in
our house. I got excited to
hear this great news, but at
the same time my mind was skeptical.
But the moment I saw his picture,
I felt as if I knew Him already.
I in fact related to Him the
day I saw His picture, I was
very angry and asked justice
for a lot of things. But I liked
His idea about Oneness of all
religions and treating people
with different divisions as
One. My parents attended a retreat
in their ashram and had a lot
of mystical experiences. They
wanted me and my brother to
attend the next retreat in Sep
1996, but they left the decision
to me. My ego did not allow
me to accept immediately. I
refused saying I’m happy
with my God and don’t
have any problems to go there.
My heart was wishing to go there
and discover the Truth for myself.
I just told my close friend
about this and she immediately
got excited about this and said
what’s the harm in trying.
If it was true, we are going
to be the losers, otherwise
we could continue our life as
before with our old God. I prayed
to my inner God very seriously
to show me a sign whether to
go to this retreat. Just 2 days
before the retreat, in my dream,
I saw my mom who requested me
to go to this retreat. I then
decided to go there and I immediately
left to this retreat with one
single intention to discover
who this Bhagavan is. I thank
myself today million times for
taking that decision that day
against my mind’s interference.
Bhagavan’s portrait was
only present in the retreat.
The first 2 days of the retreat
was not impressive, they made
me see how I hurt my parents.
I was resisting internally first,
then I discovered my true ugly
nature of self. Before discovering
God within, I first discovered
who I am. On the 3rd day during
some devotional songs, I suddenly
discovered a surge of energy
from the top of my head flowing
towards the whole body. My body
was completely in control of
that Divine energy. The body
danced without any control and
I had so much visions of Hindu
Gods, like Krishna dancing within
my heart. I listened to many
teachings that gave me more
clarity. On the last day, while
the Acharyaji was singing in
devotion, we saw suddenly a
huge bright yellow light (jyothi)
with 2 hands of Bhagavan appearing
on the sky in midnight and there
were some crackers burst in
the sky from nowhere. It appeared
twice and few of us had the
chance to see it with our eyes.
We jumped in ecstasy like anything
and I still cannot forget that
experience. Many healing miracles
happened at that time for many
people who saw it.
The final day (5th day) arrived
to leave that place and my heart
ached to leave this heavenly
place and go back. I suddenly
noticed that energy filling
too much in my body.
I closed my eyes and I could
see only Bhagavan’s form
in my heart and in my eyes.
I started feeling that everywhere
there was only Bhagavan and
everything was done only by
Bhagavan. I was combing by hair,
but I felt I was not combing
and Bhagavan (divine energy)
was combing. I started seeing
that there was no me. The energy
became so high and I could not
stand and I fell down. My aunt
and my friend were nearby and
got scared. For an hour or so,
I was in a High Cosmic Consciousness
state. I could not talk or move
my body or open my eyes. But
I was aware of everything .I
didn’t see my body, I
could see my body turning into
Bhagavan’s body. I felt
I was going to die physically.
I started crying and asked Bhagavan
to leave me and return me back.
I asked that I want to live
and do service for Him. Then
He slowly left and I became
normal with myself back. I regret
for stopping that process that
day as I didn’t know at
that time I was about to lose
just the feeling of that self
and get union with God. I never
knew anything about enlightenment
at that time. But I just got
a temporary peak state of love,
bliss and peace and no negative
feelings or absence of self
that lasted for about 3 months
or so. My bond with Bhagavan
got increased every day and
I had many mystical experiences
in my life after I discovered
Him. I can even write a big
book and publish it! I just
want to narrate my enlightenment
experiences alone that lead
me to the ultimate Oneness state
today.
Bhagavan became my close companion
and I started relating to Him
very naturally. My love for
Him increased like anything
and He has never failed my wishes.
I have experienced extreme bliss,
love and divine presence during
the retreats and always wished
it to be permanent. I got frustrated
when those peak states left
me. In one of the retreats,
we were asked to request Bhagavan
to give us an experience of
Nandanar and Ramana’s
mukthi state. At that time,
I didn’t even know who
they were! Bhagavan just gave
me immediately the exact experience
of Nandanar (a great bhakta
in India ). I saw my body being
burnt in fire and I went into
his high state of bliss and
Bhagavan inside told me that
this is mukthi (full of bliss).
During Ramana’s state,
I went into deep silence. When
I narrated the experience to
Paramacharyaji (Bhagavan’s
close friend) who conducted
the retreat, His eyes became
so shining and He got stunned
to hear my experience and was
so happy for me. In another
retreat, I had experience of
Oneness and laughing state of
Buddha for the first time. I
became a small child and felt
oneness with Bhagavan and when
I touched tree, I felt so much
love and I touched sand, I felt
so much love. I felt Bhagavan
in everything:, tree, sky, sun,
moon, all people. Once I saw
the Sun revolving and Bhagavan’s
face with beard also in the
Sun. When we all were waiting
outside to meet Bhagavan, we
all started seeing Bhagavan’s
face in our water bottles. In
everyone’s water bottle,
that little Bhagavan’s
face was visible. This made
me realize that God exists everywhere.
I remember an interesting experience
with Amma. Me and my friend
were in hostel one night and
we were missing Amma and singing
a song where there was a line,
meaning that whole earth is
revolving because of your energy.
Suddenly we both started having
a vision in our heart and we
saw the earth rotating! I could
see the latitude and longitude
of the earth and it was spinning
like anything! Amma is very
fast in responding to my prayers
and I just love her like anything.
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Chapter 3
Journey towards Enlightenment
While I was enjoying my life
with Amma & Bhagavan’s
Grace, my marriage was fixed
in a very short notice in May
1999. This event brought a tremendous
change in my life. I had to
leave all my beloved ones and
leave my motherland India to
settle in the US . I was enjoying
my married life with a loving,
extremely caring husband. My
deepest desire was to get a
job in a Software profession
and that was also fulfilled
by God’s Grace in May
2000. I started working in a
major firm in Wall Street, NY
and everything in my life was
going smoothly. It was then
I noticed the vacuum in my heart
again. When all my desires were
fulfilled in my life, I saw
the real spiritual suffering
in me. I had no problems in
my life, but still I was not
completely happy, peaceful and
filled with love. The love my
husband poured on me was not
enough for me! Though I had
everything in my life, I had
the question arising within
me, ”So what?”.
The seeking within me started
increasing and I became a true
spiritual seeker. I happened
to read in the website about
the enlightenment experiences
of some dasajis who got enlightened
by Bhagavan’s grace and
I knew that’s what I needed.
My desire towards mukthi increased
everyday and I came to India
again in Jan 2001 to attend
mukthi yagna (retreat for enlightenment).
I had several mystical experiences
and teachings of Bhagavan gave
me clarity. I understood “Seeing
is Freedom”, but I did
not get enlightened. I was disappointed
that time as my mind could not
accept that truth.
The next 3 years of my life
from 2001 – 2004 went
in seeing about my inner self.
I was resisting to see the true
nature of my self and I was
trying to change. I was trying
to practice Bhagavan’s
teachings and transform myself,
but it was in vain. I had a
baby boy in July 2002 and that
changed a lot in my life. I
was trying to be a good daughter,
a good wife and a good mother.
I was struggling to be someone
other than me always and I was
suffering internally. I hated
myself and my mind was dreaming
about my life after enlightenment.
I had an image of an ideal and
perfect woman and wanted to
become that. I was not able
to just keep “Seeing”,
I was seeking and I was suffering.
With lot of struggles, I finally
went to a 5 day process in Feb
2004 in India . There I experienced
a lot of hurts with all my relations
and I saw my birth traumas.
I was able to see myself being
born from my mom’s womb
and saw what decision I took
at that time. I had decided
“Life is hard” and
said “I don’t want
to be born again”. The
moment I saw my mom, I had decided
that she was the cause for my
suffering and told her that
“I hate you”. So
that was the reason I could
never love my mom even though
she showered great amount of
love towards me. I had designed
my life to be hard and that
I should struggle to achieve
everything in life and finally
seek for God’s love. This
has been the agreement made
by me with God even before I
was born. I also realized a
block in my mind, where I had
thought that “I have to
work hard to get enlightened
and it cannot happen easily
to me”. All these blocks
were removed by Amma & Bhagavan’s
grace in the retreat and we
were ready to receive a powerful
diksha on MahaShivarathri Feb
18th.
Bhagavan walked in majestically
and I went into uncontrollable
bliss full of love immediately
even before I received diksha.
I was in a state of peace with
no expectations while I received
diksha. I felt there was no
self to get enlightened.
The diksha took immediate effect
on me. Physically something
happened in my body. After I
woke up, I felt I was nothing.
I realized my true Higher Self,
the Awareness, Witness and saw
the void. I attained Nirvana
(Buddha’s Consciousness
and then laughed like anything
seeing my illusionary self and
the mind. I realized “I’m
not the body, I’m not
the mind, I’m not the
thought”. I’m just
a witness to the mind. Next
day, my state deepened and I
realized my Oneness with everything
and everyone. I saw God everywhere
and I realized I was that God
manifesting everywhere in the
universe. There was no more
separation. I saw myself everywhere
and in everyone. Tremendous
amount of love and joy was generated.
I didn’t have any inner
conflict in my thoughts. There
were thoughts running, but I
didn’t feel it was my
thoughts or it was me thinking.
I was one with every emotion.
I felt the observer and the
observed being one and same.
Great truths were revealed to
me. I felt “Aham Brahmasmi’
meaning “I’m the
universe” and “Thou
art That”. I knew the
God I was searching for was
me! I shared my experiences
when I met Bhagavan personally
and He was extremely happy to
see me enlightened.
Little did I know that my little
precious ugly self was still
staying with me and had been
hiding somewhere! I started
now witnessing my ugly lower
self and all my childhood traumas,
hurts and the cunning mind games.
It was such a painful process
to really discover who I am.
Initially I resisted a lot,
but later I started accepting
and seeing it without any judgement.
But I learnt a lot through this
process. My images about myself
and my shadow self were revealed
to me. Thanks to my awareness
that saved me when I went into
peak suffering seeing my illusionary
self. I healed many of my relations
and experienced the wounds I
caused to everyone. I was trying
to come back to my Oneness state
with my efforts. I knew me and
the other person was one, but
I could not behave the way I
wanted to behave. I was longing
when my Oneness state would
become permanent. My mind was
still trying to achieve something
and saying that I’m not
enlightened. Sometimes I tried
to behave as if I was enlightened
already! But again I would see
my ugly self and would fight
with it. All my concepts about
enlightenment were broken. I
got a clear insight about “Experiencing
the reality as it is without
the mind’s interference”.
I understood that with the mind’s
efforts I cannot experience
the reality as it is,as the
mind will be interfering. I
realized all truths psychologically,
but it was not a physical reality
to me. I completely surrendered
and realized that this enlightened
state, losing the feeling of
self can be given by God or
nature only as a gift to me
and I cannot make it on my own.
I realized that I knew nothing
and my knowledge, meditations,
efforts could take me nowhere
and I cannot get enlightened
with it. I was finally made
to see once again the little
self who has been longing for
love, care, attention, appreciation
and how it turned into hurt,
anger, jealousy, possessiveness,
ego, hatred and resulted into
mental suffering. I saw it boldly
as if they were not my thoughts,
but still I felt it was me thinking!
That was my last painful day!
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Chapter 4
Life after attaining Enlightenment
& Oneness State
The miracle happened after I
had a powerful diksha by Madeleine
from Sweden on March 22nd 2005
after 11pm. I had no expectations
after this diksha and just laid
down in front on Bhagavan’s
srimurthi (picture) at my home.
My inner voice (antharyamin)
asked me, “Can I finish
you off permanently? I can end
your suffering in 5 minutes
if you allow me”. I just
approved and asked Him to go
ahead. I felt energy taking
control of my body and shaking
it and told me it’s His
Energy controlling my body.
I realized everywhere there
is only Energy. There is no
“Me”. I was an illusion.
I had visions like hitting my
brain with hammer, cutting it
with knife and something going
on all over my body. I just
woke up after sometime and I
felt so free. Internally Bhagavan
said that He now finished off
Poornima and God could live
in this body freely! He started
dancing and I felt there was
no feeling of self left after
that. There was little doubt
whether this state is permanent
or again it may go like last
time. But that also went off
in couple of days. Every minute
causeless love and limitless
joy is exploding in me. There
is total inner freedom. No inner
conflicts in thoughts. There
are thoughts flowing like a
big ocean inside me, but there
is no thought fighting with
it. I don’t feel I’m
thinking. I don’t feel
I’m doing anything. Actions
are being done and I’m
just a witness. Awareness has
increased tremendously and there
is seeing all the time. Now
I completely experience the
truth “Seeing is Freedom”.
I’m seeing always without
any efforts and I’m free
always. I’m experiencing
the reality as it is without
any mind’s interference.
If I’m eating, I’m
only eating. There is no mind
to control my life anymore.
I’m peaceful every minute.
There is not a moment when I’m
not peaceful. This Peace is
irrespective of anything that
happens externally. I got back
the Oneness state permanently.
I see myself in everyone and
I cannot see human suffering
and the Earth’s suffering.
Compassion is increasing for
everyone and I have become Love,
Peace, Joy, Compassion. I’m
just the same as before, but
with no feeling of self at all.
There is no more mental stress
or any carryovers of the past
hurts and anxiety about the
future. Always I live in the
present. I wish each and everyone
on this planet earth to get
this Oneness state and live
their life happily. I’m
so thankful for my beloved Amma
& Bhagavan for giving me
this great state for an ordinary
person like me.
I do enjoy my life million
times more than I was enjoying
before. Every time I see my
son and my husband, I see a
new person in them and unlimited
love & joy is surging from
the bottom of my heart. I have
a very happy married life and
enjoy my son every minute. I’m
still functional and enjoy working
as a Software Developer. Externally
I still know I’m Poornima
and behave normally with everyone.
Internally I feel I’m
only existing everywhere and
playing a game by manifesting
myself as many. I still do seek
for Higher States, but I don’t
feel that “I am”
seeking. The seeker in me has
gone. I still have desires,
likes and dislikes. There is
no mind to set any conditions
for my life. I have seen myself
completely and accepted myself
as I am and I love myself like
anything. I wish all the parts
of my body (whole universe)
become happy, free, filled with
love & peace every moment.
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